36 Black Women Share Powerful Messages to Their Younger Selves
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As human beings we all need security, love, and social belonging. We all want to belong and receive love from others but at the same time we should want healthy, fulfilling, and satisfying love. It\’s saddening to see we as women depriving ourselves of this much needed love. Why do we do this? How do we do this? Reasons as to why may vary from woman to woman. But when it comes to how, here are 3 ways in which we block love in our lives. 1.The Superwoman Syndrome As women, we are faced with many responsibilities such as being a wife, sister, friend, daughter, aunt, colleague, coach, mom, organizer, counselor, President of an organization(s), entrepreneur, the go to girl, the go get it girl, the do-er and whatever else. As women, we take on a lot of people\’s stuff without blinking and eye. We don\’t realize how these things affect us, we internalize and suppress people\’s stuff and our stuff and eventually self-destruct. We don\’t do a great job with setting limitations and boundaries with others. We also don\’t do a great job with putting ourselves first on our \”to do list\” Hence, this is why we suffer from burn out because we don\’t take the time to love ourselves first. In order, to help others, serve others and encourage others, we must do these things to take care of ourselves first. Many women feel guilty when loving and putting themselves first. We are here to tell you that if you don\’t take time to care for yourself, you will be taken advantage of, become resentful and become bitter. Self-care is a must! You are doing yourself a service when you care for yourself. Celebrate yourself by loving yourself and appreciating all your greatness. 2. The Love Don\’t Live Here Mindset In an Essence Magazine article it was reported that 900,000 African American women EACH YEAR are getting cosmetic surgery, while the number of Caucasian women have slightly declined. Lately cosmetic surgery is increasing among sistahs, take for example Vivica A. Fox and Lil\’ Kim. Lil\’ Kim underwent cosmetic surgery because she said that she wanted to be the \”Black Barbie\”. More and more African American celebrities are getting things nipped and tucked. Now for the women who idolize these celebrities, they tend to want to follow suit. One of the women interviewed in the article, a 40 year old professional, stated she spends $500 a month to get hydrogel injected into her backside in order to look like the \”voluptuous video vixens\” as seen in King Magazine. The 40 year old professional confessed that she is tired of coming home to an empty house and wants to keep a man interested in her because she is tired of the twenty somethings \”taking all the men.” Another young lady in her mid twenties was interviewed and discussed how she enrolled in an oral sex class at a local adult shop due to her \”lack of experience and knowledge\” about oral sex. She further explained how her current boyfriend, \”inspired\” her to do so. This young lady\’s,\”oh so loving\” boyfriend, told her that her \”head game\” was weak and she needed a crash course on oral sex in order for them to continue their relationship. When I read this I thought, he better be an oral sex champion his damn self and if so why wasn\’t he sexually empowering her and strengthening their intimacy through exploration and communication. That’s another article in itself. Imagine the deep emotional bruising that was caused to her self worth and self esteem. She agreed and enrolled in the class to upgrade her \”head game\”. When we have not received appropriate behaviors to model such as healthy love, a sense of belonging, and attachment; we latch onto unhealthy behaviors and people. When you are lacking confidence and self esteem it is virtually impossible to expect anyone else to treat you with a sense of dignity and respect. Like my girl Lauryn Hill said \” How you gonna win when you ain\’t right within? \” 3. The Sistah Shade Room Let\’s discuss dysfunctional sisterhood shall we? Sometimes I wonder did our mamas and aunties and them have as much drama as we see on Love and Hip Hop or the Real Housewives? I feel like in this current generation, the level of female drama is at an all time high and it is lethal. I believe that when we open our subconscious mind to these images we see on \”reality TV \” we begin to believe it is ok to treat our friends and sisters this way too. The gossip, the back biting, the cat fighting is so toxic that it will naturally block anything good from showing up in your life, let alone the love you want and need. When a sister-friend is constantly negative, stuck in life, doesn\’t communicate and doesn\’t respect the circle of sisterhood, they no longer serve your purpose. You must build up the courage to release that friendship with love. Releasing these relationships lovingly is so important because you are allowing yourself to let go of any resentment and bitterness that will keep you jammed up internally. There are divine laws that govern our lives whether we know it or not. One in particular is The Universal Law of Attraction. The Law of Attraction states that like energy attracts like energy. So think about it. What type of reality will you attract when you don\’t love yourself and are tied up in toxic relationships? If you want to get unblocked and allow more love into your life click this link for some FREE tools. www.selfcareforbrowngirls.com
As a little girl I can remember pretending all of my baby dolls were sick and it was my job to make them feel better. I use to watch my Mother sip warm water with lemon & honey everyday so I thought that would heal my sick babies. It amazes me how when you have a calling on your life, often times the process begins as a child. I first heard about Ayurveda when I began practicing yoga. I found it very interesting that it was something I didn’t hear about in College, and my field of study was healthcare. Ayurveda is an ancient system that is said to have originated in India thousands of years ago. The philosophy teaches balance and disorder, health and disease. Disease is created through genetics, as well as the interconnectedness between body, mind and spirit. When the body is out of balance with the mind and spirit, it is easy for disease to form. However when all is aligned in the body, mind + spirit and is in-tune with the five essential elements: ether, air, fire, water and earth, the body is a self- healer. Good health is the maintenance of one’s unique combinations of the doshas, which governs the internal biochemical changes that lead to either high or low metabolism. Our three doshas are Pitta,Vata and Kapha. Learning what your Dosha is can assist you in learning what you should eat, what exercises are best for you as well as what beauty products are perfect for your skin. I have integrated this philosophy in my life from the heart of my home, the kitchen, to my daily + weekly regimen of self-care. My kitchen consists of various herbs + spices that allow me to create my own tea and prepare well balanced meals for myself + family. I infuse my own tea blends daily consisting of herbs purchased at a local shop. My vanity contains a mixture of natural oils {used to remove makeup}; organic facial cleanser that contains black soap + vitamin E oil, organic toner {used 3x a week}. Itake steam bathe’s infused with a mixture I created that consists of lavender, rose buds, vitamin e + almond oil, Himalayan salt + coarse sea salt at least twice a week. Lastly I also gargle with sesame oil {3x a week} to pull all the impurities out of my body which helps maintain a healthy mouth. Remember the mouth is what leads to feeding our bodies so it too must be cleansed and kept healthy. Continue to love + care for yourself first so that you can be of service to all others.
I can’t go anywhere without hearing about Jada Pinkett Smith’s new show, Red Table Talk. I honestly didn’t know what to expect when the show first came about, I thought it would solely centered around Jada’s relationship with her mother and daughter but it’s so much more than that. These three black women in completely different phases in their lives somehow weekly come together and tackle issues such as sexuality, grief and loss, blended families, true women empowerment, forgiveness, infidelity, I honestly thought we had explored it all. In hindsight I shouldn’t have been surprised that Will Smith’s episode was a game changer. Just this weekend I was home watching their hit show from the early 2000’s All of Us centered around a blended family and I thought, wow they have been pushing the culture forward for decades. They have challenged the narrative of love/family and communication for years, so ultimately we should expect nothing less from their conversation at the red table. Here are the key points discussed during the two-part discussion. Marriage Isn’t for Everyone. I loved Jada’s transparency when she expressed that she never saw herself as a wife, and that the glamorous wedding she had, she didn’t even want. We assume every girl dreams of her wedding day, but the truth is that’s a lie. Marriage isn’t for everyone and the rules that abide under the social construct that we believe should take place after I do can change things for the worst, even between people who love each other and desire to be together forever. Ultimately you have to decide what’s best for you and once they did, their relationship improved. Will and Jada realized that although they love each other, a traditional marriage wasn’t going to work for them. Furthermore, they admitted they don’t even consider each other husband and wife anymore, they look at their relationship as a life partnership. In turn expressed that they have no deal breakers, they are bonded together for life. Men like Will Smith don’t just happen. He decided he wanted more for himself before he ever met Jada. Women often think we can make a man become the idea that we have in our heads, but it’s simply not true. During the episode Will expressed that he had an idea of what he wanted for his life since childhood, because he grew up in an environment that was riddled in toxicity and abuse. He also explained that he made a conscious decision in their relationship to speak a certain way (they didn’t raise their voices or use profanity for decades), because he refused to not be at peace in his own home he would leave Jada before he agreed to anything less. As beautiful as that testimony was, the fact remains that there are plenty of men with the same upbringing that are the polar opposite and carry that trauma with them for the rest of their lives. It’s imperative to understand that you can’t make someone want what you want, they have to desire the same thing, or the relationship won’t work. Your Happiness Is Your Responsibility Not Your Partners Will and Jada both had achieved success in the world, made millions of dollars, raised children who cultivated their own success as well, and their relationship was failing. From the outside looking in no one could understand why, even Jada’s mother questioned her daughter’s unhappiness, and wondered what she could not be pleased with. This piece of the conversation was my favorite because too often we have this check list of things we assume will make us happy, when in fact happiness starts deep within us. Will reflected back on the day he decided he had retired of making Jada happy, and challenged her to find her own happiness. There is a dangerous falsity that lies in the assumption that a union will bring you happiness. Your partner can love you, but they cannot live to please you and you shouldn’t want them to. Everyone is broken, and it’s up for you to repair yourself. Lasting Love Takes Work Will and Jada broke up within their relationship, and still divorce was never an option. Why? They made a conscious decision to re-build and recreate a life together that was comfortable for them. They created a new relationship built on trust, spirituality, unconditional love and support no matter what. We live many lives within our lifetime and many couples lose sight of that reality and split when their partners begin to change, instead of considering perhaps we need to renegotiate what works for us as a couple. Lasting love says no matter what, I’m here and actually lives up to that promise. You have to want to be there, and desire to do the work. You can’t escape your destiny. Will expressed that when he first saw Jada, he knew she was the one. Somehow despite his instincts the night he was to be officially introduced to her, instead he met his now ex-wife Sheree Zampino. The two fell in love, got married, and Sheree gave birth to their son Trey. Years later he and Jada crossed paths again and he realized that he had married the wrong woman, but he would never divorce Sheree because he was determined to keep his family intact. As fate would have it soon after Sheree filed for divorce and told Will she didn’t love him anymore. Once the dust settled Will called Jada, and they’ve been together ever since. Will shared at the end of the talk that if he had not been with Jada, would be searching for her in vain for the rest of his life. The story of your life is already written, their love story is proof of that. Whether you’re happily married, single and content, or simply desiring to reach a deeper level of discovery, red table talk is for you. Do yourself a favor and catch up, I hear the next episode goes …