Meet Your New SBF: Single Best Friend
I’m ready to date...It’s been three years since I’ve been in a relationship and to keep it 100, for those three years, it’s been an off and on struggle. I’ve gone from being completely devastated over the abrupt ending of my last relationship to stumbling in to a cutty buddy situationship to being content with being part of the single ladies crew (rep yo set!) and finally to feeling like my heart had healed enough to find love again. Well, that and my mother is pressuring me to get married and pop out a mini me.
But I’m not ready to date because my biological clock is ticking or because I’m watching friends and acquaintances get engaged and start families all over social media. I’m ready because I’m finally in a place where my walls are ready to come down, I’m optimistic and I’m trusting God’s timing. Those are all things that I struggled with in the last few years and although I had been encouraged to dust myself off and try again, I knew damn well I wasn’t really ready. Up until now, there were several things that kept me from dating.
I Was Still Hurting
My last relationship ended horribly and unexpectedly. After being together for two years, around our anniversary, my ex just disappeared. I mean—Poof!—just straight up vanished. I emailed, texted, called; I even resulted to snail mail to catch up with him. But he got ghost and stayed gone for eight months. That kind of confusing and heartbreaking loss, shattered my faith in relationships and my trust in men. My ex had appeared to be one of the most blunt and straight to the point men I’d ever known and for him to just up and leave with no explanation, hurt me to my core. Relationships and even the prospect of dating was completely off the table.
He ended up reaching out to me eight months after he fell off the face of the earth; explaining that none of what happened was my fault and that he was sincerely sorry for hurting me. I thought after having that conversation with him and getting some type of closure, I would feel better. But I didn’t. I tried to cover up the hurt with a steamy situationship with a close friend, but that did little to ease the hurt that I still felt. My trust level was at an all-time low, my guard was up and I couldn’t take anyone seriously no matter how much I tried. I was still hurt. I wasn’t until I drafted a short film entitled “Letters to My Ex”, that I started to release some of the pent up anger that was holding my heart hostage. Writing has and always will be my therapy and because of the letters I wrote through the voice of my main character, I started to heal.
I Wasn’t Happy With Myself I looked good in my well put together outfits and my 22 inch Brazilian hair and my long stiletto nails. I seemed ok while I was riding around in my new whip, going to and from my decent job. I felt alright when I was partying with my girls, taking back shots and winding my body to the songs the DJ was spinning. But truthfully, I was miserable. My creativity was diminished, I didn’t have any drive and had never been more confused on what I wanted out of life. I was living with my parents in Michigan at 26, heart frozen solid, ambition on standstill and just projecting the image I knew people wanted to see. And I believed my own hype for a while. But something clicked one day. And I realized that I wasn’t happy and only I was going to able to change that.
I’d always wanted to live in California and do something in entertainment so after applying to a few jobs, I finally landed an interview for a position in LA and seven days later I was on a one way flight. Even though things didn’t pan out the way I expected them to when I got to L.A., I could feel my soul stirring again. Almost two years later, I’m now the proud author of three books and actively pursuing a career in screenwriting. I realize that once I stopped focusing on trying to find a man or relationship that was going to make me happy, I created happiness for myself.
News Flash: I Don’t Know How to Date
Don’t laugh at me! I’m being completely serious. Since high school, I have been in one serious relationship after another, most of the time with no break in-between. Here is how my past relationships went: we meet, we go on one date, we talk on the phone for about 7-8 hours straight then oop!--now I have a boyfriend. No joke. There was no courting phase, no dating other people (at least I wasn’t), no being friends before being together. For most of my life, I’d been going about love and relationships completely backwards.
So now, I’m approaching 30 and still have no idea how to date. There was never a Sex in the City interlude in my life where men from all walks of life fell all over themselves trying to take me out. There was no 90 day rule because usually the man was my boyfriend before the 90 day trial had gotten started good! As a result, I’m just now trying to figure this thing out. Hell, I have yet to even learn the basics of dating. Do you date one person at a time? Or multiple people? As a woman, should you wait for the guy to approach you? Do you still have to wait three days after the initial meeting to hit the person up or is that just a Hollywood movie myth? Should I really be acting like a woman and thinking like man? I haven’t the slightest clue.
I am dating challenged and not afraid to admit it. I am however, terrified at the fact that I am just now about to stick my toe into the dating pool this late in the game. But nonetheless, I am ready. So in an effort to really commit to this, I’m inserting myself into your life as your new SBF; Single Best Friend. For you single ladies, we are going to figure this thing out together! While this column will help me to stop avoiding the hard task of putting myself out there and really committing to giving love a chance.
As your new SBF, you will journey with me through my dating life in L.A. and I will give you the low down on the obstacles I face, the craziness that ensues, insight on how I’m coping with my own issues and hang-ups about dating and we’ll have a ton of fun along the way!