MIND & BODY

Finding the Self is Love Without a Limit!

Ber-Henda Williams
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4 Mins read
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The journey inward to find out what you are made of is a dance of a lifetime. My personal declaration of freedom, which is one of my core values, was to divorce myself from “why” and “how.” Both of these left me in an emotional loop and instead I learned to surrender often. I surrender my will and my EGO often.  2017 was a year of endings.  There were many things on the table for me to review. What kind of work did I really want to do? What experiences did I really want to have and what will be my legacy? Introspection is the pathway to the most glorious expedition and there is the journey to Self!  Here are just a few ways I took the deep dive in.

Stop comparing yourself to other people

I was raised very Judeo-Christian and Black Middle Class. In this specific culture of African Americans I never really felt like I fit in. Therefore, the norms, values, and beliefs did not necessarily fall in line with mine. I did not marry in my twenties and gain an advanced degree, as is the expected path, and teaching was a respectable profession but it did not fulfill me entirely. I have a huge wanderlust to explore far off places, mysteries, and cultures. Once I identified my core values, I saw I was aspiring towards a life that would never make me happy. I pondered what my core values were and this was liberating! I could pursue my passions without guilt or feeling like I was a disappointment. This is not a dig on anyone who has a deep desire for scholarly pursuits, desires companionship and ambition. Be clear on what success looks like for you. Ask the universe or God an empowering question: What is your will for my life? Who do I need to become? What makes me happy? I found that what my path looked like was completely my own and trying to fit into any one mode or comparing myself was counterintuitive. Peace and joy are my guiding lights!

Find a Cause Bigger and that is Bigger than Yourself

Healing and transformation can be realized through helping other people. If you desire love, abundance, or compassion, giving back to your community will heal your heart, provide perspective or help when you’ve hit a wall. I have found that making donations, spending time with girls and participating in efforts such as, addressing sex trafficking or blending poetry with activism, helped me redirect my passion and indignation towards the injustices in the world. I deeply value youth and elders. I started a program for girls that led me to my own healing I needed in those difficult teenage years. I asked God where to tithe my time and ended up finding my truest calling. Love is the most powerful force in the universe we must show and receive it.

Say “NO”!

We are social creatures. “Love and Belonging” are high on the hierarchy of needs. However, in order to receive that love and community, we say “yes” to things that we really don’t want to do. We may agree to participate in relationships and organization that are not in alignment with our values. It is critical for us to create healthy boundaries and be clear on our values and what direction we want our lives to go.  In doing so “No” has become a single worded, mono-syllable power stance! “No” may cause separation and be upsetting to others, especially if you are always saying “yes”.  Resentment and passive-aggressive behavior are perilous to our well being. Saying “no” allows others to strengthen their creativity and their access to God.  It is not our job to save people or be viewed as a “good person” or “nice.”  Being a people pleaser doesn’t guarantee a person will like you, much less love you! Saying “No” especially when it doesn’t feel genuine or aligned, allows you to say a sacred “YES.” “No” has a power that is unexplainably liberating.

My final thoughts and points are this, none of the above steps are the sum total of my journey, rather a few lessons I’ve learned along the way. Contrast has presented me with opportunities to dig deeper for my truth and the boldness and convictions to follow through on my declarations. Life will present you with a mirror for reflection. Faith is like a good therapist and is vital to my spiritual health. Our journey to self has its own unique blueprint. Asking our Higher Self, that which is connected to God becomes our North Star to guide us home. 

Ber-Henda Williams lives in metro Detroit. She is a Bilingual Poet and Business Coach for women + creatives and visionaries. To connect with Ber-Henda, log on www.ber-hendawilliams.com 

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MIND & BODY

How I Found Wholeness With(in) by Embracing My Pain

6 Mins read
August 2, 2018

“Embracing the seeds of pain rooted in being black, and woman connects us to our divine nature of wholeness not just within ourselves but in the world around us.” We have all experienced feeling powerless in our lives. As women of color this experience is coupled with the complex shame of being black. It isn’t until we embrace this shame that feelings of invisibility can transform into a beautiful sense of knowing. Knowing in our bodies that we are enough. That our pain is simply a pathway to discover the wholeness within our being. In my early twenties, I rediscovered the power of writing. At the time, I was searching for space to express my becoming. Transforming from a girl of color, to a woman of color and how this impacted my everyday reality. Little did I know at the time that these painful experiences along my journey would become lessons in letting go and finding joy in the everyday unfolding of life. I began to write a lot of poetry that discussed blackness, how this relates to the beauty of nature, and our relationship to spirit. A lot of these writings dealt with the reality of being black and how blackness is defined in society. I began to think about what it meant to be present in my body as a woman of color. How I would feel if I let go of every societal imposed limitation of never being enough. I always imagined that wholeness in a brown body was some conjured fantasy image on movie screens. There was always an underlying belief that, “someone like me can’t transform” or that “the only way that change is possible is by destroying parts of myself that I so desperately wanted to hide”. Admitting to myself that I didn’t feel love within my own skin was a painful yet beautiful journey that is still unfolding. Apart of this unfolding requires a deep surrender to our emotions as they reveal themselves to us. It is important to be there with whatever we are experiencing, be it shame, guilt, sadness, regret, tension, happiness, etc. In trying to deny or reject the hidden parts of ourselves, we only drift farther into feelings of shame. As such, we deny ourselves of our complex and beautiful nature. Through writing, I was able to work through feelings of shame that I carried with me throughout my life. The feelings of shame and guilt that I felt throughout my life challenged me to let go of the fear I felt about examining my blackness. I was so deeply afraid of falling in love with myself as a woman of color because it wasn’t what I saw around me. As women of color, so much of what we internalize influences who we are. There are so many stereotypes and labels that can limit the world from seeing the truth of our existence. If we embrace our power, we are seen as the aggressive black woman, if we are vulnerable then we are seen as weak and sacrificial. But, we have the power to re-claim our own existence by embracing the wholeness that rests within. Apart of accepting the many layers of who we are as black women is embracing all of the pain and fear that arises within us. When I first began to embrace my fear, it was very difficult. I felt so much anxiety about how others would stare at me. This was followed by a stream of worried thoughts, “is it because my hair is too big?”, “is it because I am black?”. Despite this anxiety filled monologue there was something inside of me that so desperately wanted to be heard, some soul force waiting to emerge from the depths of my heart. A wise woman, standing firmly rooted in her skin. She was there all along, whole, content, and beautiful. It wasn’t until I started tuning into my body that everything changed. I started asking myself, “how does my body react when I am in public?” Often, my shoulders were tense and I felt the stress of others stares lead me down a path of insecure thoughts. In turning in towards my body I learned to accept the present emotions and greet them with an open heart of acceptance. Simply being with them in observance and allowing them to pass. When I began to become more present with my body and process the emotions of shame that I felt within myself, I let go of fear and surrendered to my existence. I began to notice how suddenly my shoulders were more relaxed in public. There was more space for me to relax and become familiar with what it felt like to be present in my body as a woman of color. It felt amazing, I felt called to inspire other women of color to feel whole and content within their own skin. Something that I have learned is that along with such moments of peace, becoming, and feeling inspired, there are still moments of fear, chaos, pain and uncontrollable tears. The journey does not end with the awareness of being whole within our bodies, that is only the beginning. The understanding that we can heal and are healing, and the feeling of being rooted firmly in our existence is the path. That we are the embodiment of what it means to love ourselves as black women Is the unfolding of truth, of who we are. In sitting with ourselves, there are some practical tools we can rely on to discover the beautiful blooming of our hearts. One of the tools that has helped me is to sit down in a quiet space with a pen and paper and ask myself, what are some everyday activities that light my soul up with joy? What is one small action that I can take today to live my truth? The answers to these questions reveal someone far more powerful than you can ever imagine. Another way …

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MIND & BODY

Finding Perfection in My Imperfections

5 Mins read
July 1, 2018

“But when you open your mouth!” my therapist, passionately, almost pleadingly interrupted me. Her tone pierced me, alerted me to reality as if I kept missing it- because I did. A few seconds before, I was sharing that I was feeling some anxiety about meeting some people with whom my husband had been working for months producing a play that he and I had written on a scale that he and I had yet to be able to produce it on. It was an amazing opportunity — a fantastic blessing and while I had been very hands on in past runs, this time I sat it out, gleefully watching and cheering from the sidelines while taking care of home, the kids and my production company. Then came the request: would I mind filming and editing a few scenes? Of course I wouldn’t! I set to work reading the script again, storyboarding, creating my shot list and preparing myself to do one of my favorite things ever. However, reality set in as the shoot day approached. I started to think about their reactions to me: the other name in the written “by” line that they might have heard so much about. I imagined that they would see me and with utter disappointment say, “Oh that’s his wife?” “But when you open your mouth!” “Yeah…” I politely, half-heartedly agreed with a half-smile. She continued. She spoke of my gifts and talents, of my vision, of my heart, of my empathy and creativity. She spoke of how many people I would touch and help in the future. She kept pouring into me. Kept uplifting. Kept speaking the truth as she saw it –as someone quite literally on the outside, looking in (because I allowed her into that space). And thank God that I did. That day I wasn’t exactly convinced as we continued on with our session, but over eight months later it still resonates. The statement replays in my head when I start to place too much weight on my weight. I have been overweight for over 25 years of my life. The number on the scale has gone up and down and in each direction has taken my confidence with it. The overcompensation for being a fat-kid in a family of skinny people started early. I excelled academically and placed all of my ego eggs in the basket of accomplishment. When you become an adult, however, they stop handing out grades, ribbons and trophies. The closest you’re going to get are your performance reviews at work. You can imagine, then, the confusion spiral I went down when I decided to leave my job and run my company full-time. There was no one there to pat me on the back. There was no one there to tell me I’m doing great or to say I’m the best. No set, consistent salary to validate my capabilities. I came face to face with my reason for a Journey to Self: learning to just BE and allowing that to be enough. It would have to be enough to show up (and confidently at that), enough to be grateful for, enough to take pride in: the simple fact that I exist and have unique traits within me that are worth celebrating and sharing. Against what seemed to be instinct, I’ve had to actively agree with the notion that my worth and value in this world are not dependent upon the number on my clothes tags or the number on my scale. Because that’s what we’ve been taught, right? “Fat people are lazy. Fat people lack self control. Fat people have low self-worth and they absolutely should because they are fat and are worth less.” We praise women who snap back immediately after the bodily trauma of pregnancy and childbirth. We live in the gym. We watch what we eat and deny ourselves. A lot of times it’s  not out of concerns for our health and in honor our temples but to avoid the guilt of shame that comes with the headshakes and whispers of “Yikes, she really let herself go.” That therapy session was my wake up call. Too often I operate from a space of deficit, focusing on what I don’t have instead of celebrating, then utilizing what I do. What my therapist helped me to understand was that even if I didn’t show up looking like a trophy-wife (by my own impossible standards- mind you), what happens when I open my mouth and share what I have inside is reason enough to show up fully and allow God to use this imperfect vessel. In that way He can receive all of the glory because (not in spite) of my physical imperfection. I had to start seeing this burden of being overweight as a catalyst for connection instead of a cause for condemnation. I didn’t get this way overnight, neither mentally or physically, so the work I am putting in to change my mindset and to care for my temple from a space of love for who I am and not out of shame of what I am not, is ongoing. I am reminded of when Jesus went into the wilderness to be tempted by Satan. There in that desolate, vulnerable place, Satan told Jesus lies that sounded like truth, lies that Satan even twisted around and supported with scripture. But prior to that encounter Jesus studied, learned, and knew enough for himself to discount even the most believable lies. He knew who He was, whose He was and more importantly, what that meant. The Devil really is a liar. He’s been whispering lies to me since I was eight years old…just so that they can manifest and keep me bound up for such a time as this. But no more. With each step on my journey to Self, the narrative I entertain, believe and repeat about myself changes more and more. It sounds like more Truth. It sounds more like love. It sounds …

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MIND & BODY

The 3 Pieces of My Identity I’m Ready to Murder in Cold Blood

2 Mins read
July 1, 2018

Sweet. Nice. Polite. God I hate these identifiers. On their face there’s nothing wrong with them. They all seem like great things. But, now at my big age of 28. I now recognize them as survival mechanisms. They’re an instinct I use for protection. But they also get in the way. They result in less than ideal outcomes that shrink me from my magic. Sweet…. sweet though. Sweet has become the ultimate trigger. It bubbles up an internal rage that leaves me gasping for air like I’m drowning. It’s become a word that I recognize as dismissive. “You’re so sweet” is typically followed up with a violation of a major or minor boundary you’ve established in the name of protecting your energy and space. It’s as if to say, “You’re a doormat. You cannot think I’d take you seriously.” Nice. Nice is boring. It’s pleasant. It’s background music like these made for streaming albums we’ve been getting from the likes of Drake. And the one that changed his permanent residence to the “We Don’t See Color” Sunken Place, Calabasas, CA 90290. Nice is what we got from the pollyanna 50s where shit was hitting the fan, but let’s just smile through it and share a milkshake. Nice is what a “good girl” should be striving to be at all times. Politeness. It’s become a cage that I want to burn to the ground. Polite is what I am out of fear: Fear of Judgment, Fear of Death, Fear of Abandonment, Fear of… the list goes on. I used to think I didn’t have any fears, but I think I hadn’t encountered enough of the world. I was raised on a diet of respectability and politeness. I’m a polite person. I am a nice person. I am a sweet person. However, the niceties and the saccharine sweetness has become a poison that is slowly killing me. Well, I’m tired. The problem with this three piece suit (especially when worn on me) was that it didn’t leave room for true growth. It was all about optics. Self-policing and striving to be this perfect being that can move through the world without doing any “harm”, because that’s what it means to be a good person, right? But I realized in holding onto those 3 things as part of my core identity, I was literally hiding the depths of who I could be. I became more aware of the results of the way I choose to show up: the countless toxic people that enter my life and re-enter and re-fucking-enter because at some point I was too nice, too polite, or too sweet to just say LEAVE ME ALONE! The journey to self takes a lot of introspection, self-awareness, and a willingness to let go of the parts of yourself that are no longer serving you. It’s also means staring nakedly at your inadequacies, and insecurities, and finding a way to love yourself just the same.
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