His Dream Girl: A Personal Narrative About Love
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There is nothing wrong. Thereâs been no fighting or bickering. Things are genuinely going well. Youâre flipping through a magazine and happen to read an article talking about cheating spouses. You scroll upon a Facebook post from a friend referencing infidelity. The topic on your favorite talk show is about how to find out if your spouse is being unfaithful. The cover of a magazine in the checkout line says something about a man leading two lives. Youâre sitting on the couch watching TV and next up is Cheaters! Hopefully, none of this has an impact on you. But for some, all of this negativity can sow seeds of doubt where there is no cause to be. It may not be these particular outside factors but a conversation with a friend where they share something their spouse has done. Now, all of a sudden, youâre questioning you and yours. You find yourself stalking his social media accounts to see whoâs following him and commenting on his posts, whose pictures heâs liking. You catch yourself looking over his shoulder while heâs on the cellphone to see who heâs messaging. You question where he was when heâs a few minutes later than normal. You may even go so far as to look through his dresser drawers, laptop bag or car or trying to look through his phone. Let me say this, if youâre looking for something, youâll surely find it. Thatâs not to say youâll find evidence of actual cheating. What you will find is enough to feed your fears when in actuality it could be something completely innocent. But, youâll question it anyway and thatâs how it begins â the erosion of trust in your relationship. I by no means am saying that you should ignore questionable behaviors, but why would you want to spend the energy creating doubt? Life is too short. I refuse to live my life this way. I simply have too much to do. My mom used to say all the time, âwhatever is done in the dark, will come to the light.â I trust and believe in that. Why are we like this? It could be because weâve been hurt in the past or maybe what we may have observed with our own parents. But, quite honestly, we have a ton of help. Cheating scandals are discussed in the media ad nauseam. Reality TV shows seem to glamorize it (i.e. Temptation Island). More and more songs appear to normalize it (i.e. The Weekend by SZA). A week or so ago, I saw that one of the trending Twitter topics was #pieceofmylovechallenge. Yes, thatâs about having a âside piece.â How does one shield themselves from falling into this trap? Let me assure you, itâs not a good place to be. Iâm no expert, but here are my ârulesâ: What I focus on is what I see, I donât go searching for anything. I donât construct these ideas of what he could be doing or where he is. I donât automatically think itâs the worst case scenario when something occurs that is âsuspect.â When I do feel it necessary to question my husband about something, which is a rarity, itâs not in an accusatory manner. These actions are important. I want my husband to know that I trust him completely and my actions should reflect that. He is not a child and treating him like one will not make him become more trustworthy, itâll only push him away. I treat him the way I want him to treat me when it comes to trust. If he legitimately hasnât given me a reason not to trust him, I will continue to do so.
So this year has been a major time of self-reflection, self- acceptance, and self-improvement for me. I found myself tired of being angry and letting anger control me about certain things and feeling stagnant in certain areas of life and through a recommendation of journaling, I was feeling unstoppable. Now that I was feeling good about my growth by way of my ability to be honest with myself and accept things about myself, Iâd started to take the time to refocus my goals. I no longer wanted to just do what I wanted to do or the things that other people thought that I should do, I wanted to align my passions with my PURPOSE that God placed me on this Earth for. It sounds simple enough to be like â I like to do this and that, so Iâll just do this that way and if Iâm doing it, thatâs my purpose,â however, if we donât seek God to guide us, we will end up somewhere, but are we going to end up somewhere ON PURPOSE? (Shoutout to my Pastor for that GEM). That being said, I started to really seek guidance and question what my purpose is and how God wanted me to go about fulfilling it. One evening, I went to a conference at Victory Christian Center and it was the night Bishop T.D. Jakes was preaching and MANNNN, did he PREACH. Like seriously yâall… I cried the entire time, not the ugly cry though, but it felt as though he was speaking directly to me. Almost as if Jesus sat him down and told him, âtell Angela these are the answers to everything sheâs been questioning.â Donât you love those moments? So fast forward to later that night, I was texting my homegirl about the sermon and sent her the notes that I took, and we started talking about how God has been good to us and his level of forgiveness is UNMATCHED honey. So I told her, we are the triflinâ significant other that gets taken back after every transgression and I felt like this was an idea that needed to be expounded upon; so Iâm going to break down or âunpackâ as some like to say, this Hood Spirituality Theory of mine in three parts. The first part is a tough horsepill of âHonesty with Selfâ to swallow, which is… 1. We Ainât Ish Now I know when it comes speaking about God and Christ, cursing shouldnât be anywhere in the conversation…so thatâs exactly why I said ISH…yâall get my drift though. No matter how high and mighty we think we are and no matter how many good deeds weâve done to think weâve earned the âHolier Than Thou Membership Pass,â this statement and fact remains the same. Weâve heard this expression (so and so ainât ish) time and time again (I know personally Iâve seen this on Twitter when talking about men and Iâm over it, but thatâs a whole other conversation that I will save for a later day) and we all know what it means and where the statement is headed. Now, whether youâve been the girl that takes the triflinâ man back over and over after being cheated on, disrespected, abused (physically, verbally, or mentally), etc. or that was one of your homegirls, weâve all met, known, or been one of those women. If you really sit back and think about it, we are ALL that triflinâ guy that keeps getting taken back by the girl folks are now calling stupid because she loves her man. Like how many times can one mess up, sometimes immediately after we take them back, before enough is enough right? But bruh…God has been doing that same thing for years, thousands of years, since the beginning of time, and I am both EXHAUSTED and GRATEFUL thinking about it. His Mercy delivers us from the judgement and punishment we should really endure for our sins (BAY-BEE can you imagine us receiving the punishment we should based on our sins? A lot of would be DEAD right now) and his Grace extends His loving kindness and even blessings when we CLEARLY donât be deserving them chile, which leads me to number 2… 2. His Grace and Mercy is MORE THAN SUFFICIENT LET ME SAY THIS AGAIN…Godâs Grace and Mercy is beyond sufficient; and we donât have the range, PERIOD. Folks will make one mistake and we will cut them off, as I know I can say I have yet to get the concept of forgiveness down pact because sometimes it will take the smallest things and youâre outta there (God is STILL working on me). But can you imagine how God feels? Prime example, every Wednesday at youth church, my best friend and I used to RUN up to the altar during altar call and ask for forgiveness, like literally every single week. Now, as human beings if someone KEPT messing up and running in our face for forgiveness weâd be like are you kidding? NO. No more! At some point our willingness to forgive runs out and we are done with something or someone, although we are instructed to forgive others so that God will forgive us (Luke 17:3-4, Matthew 6:14-15) but not God. Now letâs not get this twisted, weâre never going to be perfect, weâre never going to not sin but we donât need to let sin be our MASTER (Roman 6:14), because if we are truly His, weâre not going to keep sinning over and over (1 John 3:6), not repenting about it, and going through life like weâre not going to end up SHOOK in the end. Thereâs a difference between REPENTING and saying âOh, my bad God, thank you for Mercy,â just like thereâs a difference between apologizing and simply saying sorry. God loves us SO much and I am a WITNESS of this, heâs brought me through so much and been by my side through all of my …
HOE â Unable to think for oneâs self, models life after whatâs popular and trendy, has childlike mentality, selfish, unwilling to change. When we are young in mind the characteristics about us that we think attracts the right person, that’s going to get us that perfect someone, usually are based off of superficial reasons. I can think back to my younger self thinking I would never find my perfect someone because I didnât have âMy Stuffâ together. Life and Wisdom taught me the âStuffâ that you need to have together is your mind. Itâs no way around it; you have to change your mindset if you want to offer something of value to someone else. The Young Mind Thinks: âI have my own house, my own car, a good job, why can’t I get someone?” Anyone can possess those things, but what other  characteristics/qualities do you have that make you stand out? “I don’t have any kids, I have good credit, and I have my degree why am I still single?” These are usually the bread and butter of everyoneâs âthe one listâ, but not all people need these things on that list, because itâs possible to find happiness with someone who already has a child or children, you can fall in love with someone with bad credit and help them build up good credit, and you can find love in someone without a degree, that person could be skilled or an entrepreneur. âSo am I supposed to settle?” No, you’re not, but you have to look deeper within, way deeper. The problem isnât always them, what can you make better about you? Just Stop! Stop being so selfish looking only at what they can do for you, how about some things you can bring to better them. Stop thinking your sex game is so amazing and that your body is so spectacular that everyone should want you and that no one will leave you. Stop looking for happiness in other people, find yourself, and then seek a partner. These are things that you just have to stop doing in order to have a meaningful relationship. Included in this process of rewiring the mind is to be honest about your wants, needs, and desires. How many times have we been in a relationship with someone and it was getting serious quick? They were invested, and you just werenât ready for that yet⌠or vice versa. Know what you want and most importantly what you donât want from the beginning. ATTENTION!! Do not continue on with someone who isn’t walking in your same path! Do not sugarcoat your feelings and hold back just for their sake. Do not waste your time because it’s precious, we are only getting older you shouldnât expect anything less than what you desire. Everywhere you turn you are being told how your perfect someone should look, how much money they should have, what type of clothes they should wear, all these things we face daily that we base our happiness and quality of life on. We fall into these imaginary grading systems and hold ourselves back from the one God has destined us to be with. We hurt ourselves more by being unreal with who we are and placing ourselves in unfulfilling relationships. Stand Out You want to stand out? Well why? Do you want to be noticed for what you have or for who you are? Are you just tired of being alone and want someone around? Are you ready to build something with someone? Do you want someone that can just do something for you? Be obvious about your wants. Be obvious about your intentions. Be obvious about your desires. With so many people modeling themselves, their goals, and relationships after what’s hot, what’s popular, and what media portrays as the “it” thing, be different. Shatter your young way of thinking about what people can do for you and be a value to someone else. Donât try to fit the mold of what you think everyone else wants, learn to find your happiness within yourself, and be honest about your wants. Donât be another H** in the room, stand out.