How to Stand Out in a Room Full of Hoes
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There is nothing wrong. There’s been no fighting or bickering. Things are genuinely going well. You’re flipping through a magazine and happen to read an article talking about cheating spouses. You scroll upon a Facebook post from a friend referencing infidelity. The topic on your favorite talk show is about how to find out if your spouse is being unfaithful. The cover of a magazine in the checkout line says something about a man leading two lives. You’re sitting on the couch watching TV and next up is Cheaters! Hopefully, none of this has an impact on you. But for some, all of this negativity can sow seeds of doubt where there is no cause to be. It may not be these particular outside factors but a conversation with a friend where they share something their spouse has done. Now, all of a sudden, you’re questioning you and yours. You find yourself stalking his social media accounts to see who’s following him and commenting on his posts, whose pictures he’s liking. You catch yourself looking over his shoulder while he’s on the cellphone to see who he’s messaging. You question where he was when he’s a few minutes later than normal. You may even go so far as to look through his dresser drawers, laptop bag or car or trying to look through his phone. Let me say this, if you’re looking for something, you’ll surely find it. That’s not to say you’ll find evidence of actual cheating. What you will find is enough to feed your fears when in actuality it could be something completely innocent. But, you’ll question it anyway and that’s how it begins — the erosion of trust in your relationship. I by no means am saying that you should ignore questionable behaviors, but why would you want to spend the energy creating doubt? Life is too short. I refuse to live my life this way. I simply have too much to do. My mom used to say all the time, “whatever is done in the dark, will come to the light.” I trust and believe in that. Why are we like this? It could be because we’ve been hurt in the past or maybe what we may have observed with our own parents. But, quite honestly, we have a ton of help. Cheating scandals are discussed in the media ad nauseam. Reality TV shows seem to glamorize it (i.e. Temptation Island). More and more songs appear to normalize it (i.e. The Weekend by SZA). A week or so ago, I saw that one of the trending Twitter topics was #pieceofmylovechallenge. Yes, that’s about having a ‘side piece.’ How does one shield themselves from falling into this trap? Let me assure you, it’s not a good place to be. I’m no expert, but here are my ‘rules’: What I focus on is what I see, I don’t go searching for anything. I don’t construct these ideas of what he could be doing or where he is. I don’t automatically think it’s the worst case scenario when something occurs that is ‘suspect.’ When I do feel it necessary to question my husband about something, which is a rarity, it’s not in an accusatory manner. These actions are important. I want my husband to know that I trust him completely and my actions should reflect that. He is not a child and treating him like one will not make him become more trustworthy, it’ll only push him away. I treat him the way I want him to treat me when it comes to trust. If he legitimately hasn’t given me a reason not to trust him, I will continue to do so.
We are almost three months into the new year. This year is full of a celestial charge. Some have noted that 2019 is “The Year of Perspective” or “The Year of Creativity” either way creativity provides perspective. As 2018 concluded, there was move towards honing in on one word for the year. This creates a very narrow and focused way of being and doing. No matter where you are in living your “Best Life” here are some tips that can help move into a more lasting change. Goals don’t get it but a deep soul stirring push towards purpose will create a whole new paradigm shift for your life. As Dr. Michael Beckwith would say, “Sometimes you have to be pushed until your soul can pull you.” Sacred Step Number One: Honor your faith or spiritual practice. No matter what is, create a morning routine that starts without social media or checking your email. A book of devotionals is great or sacred text of your choice can help ground you. Create a playlist of inspirational or sacred music on your favorite music source. Sacred Step Number Two: Honor where you are! We can sometimes overwhelm our senses with creating a multitude of goals and things to do. Look at one area of your life you want to focus on and start there. It is amazing how focusing on one area of your life translates into other areas. Focus, clarity and discipline can go a long way. Sacred Step Number Three: What is your word? If you have not selected your word already, think about a word you want to carry with you this year. Look up the definition of that word and develop ways to practice the traits of that word, for example: Authenticity. By definition the word means: to be in true alignment, the quality of being authentic. Create ways to exhibit the trait. For example, Saying “no” to things you don’t want to do and committing to causes, people and or groups that speak to your heart. Sacred Step Number Four: Your mind is comfortable in the current state of your affairs. In others words your mind is comfortable in the discomfort. Changing your behavior means changing your mind. You may think your mind\’s made up but after years of your subconscious mind programming you are hard wired to thoughts. For example, we start the year off with the idea of losing weight, starting a new business or getting a new job. Your mind freaks out and starts sending you messages that become a distraction and can sabotage your new direction. So what do you do? Create new neurological pathways. Yes you can pray but if your beliefs don’t change, neither will you. YouTube has great mindset hacks and affirmations that can help you reframe and heal your life. Sacred Step Number Five: Self Compassion. No matter what, forgive yourself. Love yourself and be gentle with yourself. In the process of change, there will be upsets and path altering. Regroup and start again. Don’t stop and if you can, find an accountability partner to help in your process and preferably with someone who is just a few steps ahead of you. This way you have perspective and a fire starter to fuel you along. These are just a few steps to help you on your path to a lifestyle change in all areas. Don’t compare your progress to that of others. Comparison is the killer of joy. Keep in mind starting small leads to walking tall. Ber-Henda Williams is a bilingual poet and femolutionary + visonary empath coach from the metro-Detroit area. She helps visionary women build lives and business that they love. She is also the founder of The Power of Girlhood, a girl’s leadership institute. For more information, log on www.ber-hendawilliams.com
I’ve always found love stories mediocre. There are so many inspiring, life-altering, or terrifying topics in the world to write about. How selfish of you to choose to write about love? The one thing we can all relate to that makes us feel warm inside. I’m not interested in reading about love, so why bother writing about it? I hopped on the rollercoaster in September of 2016. Loosely tightening the straps, not even bothering to make sure it sat around my hips correctly. I’ve done this before- nothing to worry about. This was to be the ride of all rides, the one to remember, the one to write about. One thing I won’t do is romanticize pain. I refuse to. It wasn’t poetic to feel the way I felt. I was taking sips of sweet tea, only for it to leave a horrible aftertaste in my mouth. I continued going back to it. Getting the most out of the sweet before the bitter would sit in my mouth, for days or weeks until he decided to come back. There are stories about girls who meet boys, and sometimes these boys look at these girls like they’re made of gold, ‘oh if only I were so lucky.’ And they worship these girls, the ones they think they could never have. This was a first for me, being the unattainable girl. I’ve never been much to look at. The one girl the guy chooses. He pulled me out of the crowd and I was his dream girl. When I was 14, I was cleaning my room when I found a suede, studded cross-body bag lying on the floor. I picked it up, dusted it off and placed it back on the shelf. I remembered how just a few months prior I was daydreaming about this bag. All of the cute outfits, the lipgloss and compact it would carry, how beautiful it would look hanging with the rest of my, now seemingly dull, bags. I begged my mom for this bag. I worked tirelessly; cleaning the bathroom every weekend, helping her with dishes, skipping movies with my friends. She finally surprised me with it and I was ecstatic; now here it is, along with the rest of my crap. So you get it. the ‘dream girl’ turns into the bag on the floor, the one I totally forgot about but at some point felt my life would be incomplete without it. The problem with this are the remnants. Of course my mom knew I’d probably get over the bag once I got it, but she didn’t mind having some help around the house. It makes no difference to the bag, which lacks emotion whether it’s under my bed or behind a glass casing. The sweet tea boy who looked at me like I was made of stars would eventually toss me aside. I was no longer a quest in his unfulfilling life where he uses women as pawns to validate his existence. I was the pretty girl on his instagram feed, the one his boys would say ‘she’s bad, how would you ever get her?’ And now I’m calling him for the second time because he forgot to call me back. The crazy thing, is from afar you might think ‘well that could never be me, chasing after some musty guy’ but he wasn’t always. And it wasn’t always. Believe me, there was a time I was scrolling past his notifications and forgetting to answer because after all, I am made of stars. It wasn’t until I placed my light in his hands and now I forget how to shine on my own. I’m constantly retreating to get some of that light back, but hoping it won’t leave the bad taste in my mouth. it’s been two years and I still taste it. Am I asking for too much? For a guy to see me as his dream girl and just never wake up? Can I stay the girl of his dreams even when he’s awake? Yes, I’m the girl of my own dreams and this is one theme park I never should have stepped foot in. But now I’m here, and the thrill of falling is the reason I got into this mess in the first place.