This is Why I’m an Angry Black Woman
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Featured Image Credit: PollyNor Why I almost let the Devil win “Don’t be upset when another accomplishes what God told you to do. Procrastination will have you jealous of the success that was meant for you”. That beginning quote quickly got me together. It’s been one too many months since I’ve written ANYTHING, since I’ve set time aside to disconnect from the world and articulate the words that God has given me. I guess the first problem I have with my calling to write is the fact that I don’t want to. It’s hard and its time consuming, but like anything you are called to do, it will eat at you. The second problem I have with it is, well…I don’t know exactly what capacity he wants me to write in. It’s funny because he will give you the vision and the destination but the journey is fuzzy. I see myself as this blogger, with all these connections and partnerships but the how? Why did you give me this vision with a clear destination, but without clear direction of how to get there? I would see these success stories about how people followed the vision God gave them and that’s when I almost caved in… I was convinced God gave them all of the tools, and only gave me a couple or God showed them the whole movie and I only got a snippet. I almost let the devil win because I simply didn’t want to do the work and I didn’t know what to do with the tools he gave me. But who am I to waste the calling he put on my life? A few of the thoughts that plagued my mind were “Will it even be worth it?”, “Who even needs to hear what I have to say? But then I remembered that when you’re called to do something great, fear and doubt suddenly attack. The devil is a liar. When you grow up in church, things start to become routine, like my prayer life. I would just have these broad prayer requests that weren’t specific to what I was asking clarity on. So, the intentional praying begun. The first was to intentionally pray about my career. Did I want to continue to be miserable in finance or did I finally want to venture into educating and uplifting the youth of those that look like me? The second thing I prayed for was location. Maybe I was dragging my feet or felt uninspired because of the space I was in? Next thing I know; I’m flying to DC for an expedited interview where I will be teaching children in underserved areas. So there were my answers. Laid out, clear and plain as day. I would make the transition to Washington, DC at the end of 2016 and go get everything he promised me. 2017 is here, I’m in a new city and it’s gotten victory written all over it. The year of no small thinking, stepping up to my call of action, moving with confidence, and no wasted moments. I finally know what it takes to just BE in a moment and not have all of the answers (it’s extremely hard for a control freak). Just having this awareness within me of feelings and time, and using those aspects of my life to fuel my writing. This is the perfect city to network, be inspired, and to light my own spark. I think I’m right where he needs me to be so that his work can be done with the out-pour of my love for him. I guess I’m saying all of this just to remind my fellow brown girl bosses that it may not all makes sense and you may not have it all figured out at this very moment but be still and listen to the voice that has already set the blueprint for the upward motion of your life. My steps are already ordered; I just have to start walking (well, writing). “Everybody wants to be famous, but nobody wants to do the work”. We have the right to manifest whatever it is we want out of life, so choose it Queen. -Ari
Illustration By: Laci Jordan My mom sent me a meme and I thought it was the cutest little mom and daughter thing until it manifested into my heart. It said, “To raise a child who is comfortable enough to leave you, means you’ve done your job. They are not ours to keep, but to teach how to soar on their own”. She knew after undergrad the plan was not for me to move home, but to try and find a job in DC so I could start my Graduate studies at Georgetown. IT DIDN’T HAPPEN. Feeling broken and weak like my wing had been clipped or injured, I took the easy way out and moved back to Seattle. I didn’t fight to stay, I didn’t fight for the relationship I was in, and I damn sure didn’t fight to discover who I was and what I wanted as a woman at that point in time. I got back to Seattle and got so complacent with my life that all the things I wanted to accomplish took a back seat and I begin to live life as if Seattle was my final destination. I mean to the point where I completely forgot about what the goals were, what the outlook was, and who I was in this world. I was forced to see myself naked, bare and raw. I remember being in that season, feeling how I felt, and looking at myself in the mirror thinking how disappointed I was in myself for even getting to that place. But that place I was in was needed. You ever get so low you talk to yourself like, “WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?”. It reminded me of the things I wanted, the goals I used to chase and why they were still on my heart. God let me move home because it was a part of my route to get to where I am supposed to be, it gave me the strength that I didn’t have, and in fact is A PART of my journey that walks me right into my divine destiny. “The power just works for the purpose. You can only engage in the power when you engage in the purpose”. –My Pastor Girl, he was all in my business that Sunday, which is why, it hit all types of nerves. I wasn’t engaging in my purpose, therefore I wasn’t receiving my power because the things I was engaging in could have potentially disqualified me from living out the meaning of my life. So I started tapping back into my assignments, I started tapping back into what makes me happy, and that’s when I finally made my decision to go get MY STUFF back. All that clarity and visibility in that exact moment helped me see the growth and directed me back into that light I once saw. I’m going back to finish what I started, AND THEN SOME. You ready for it? 1. I wasn’t raised to be complacent I absolutely hate the word: Complacent. Yuck. I know you’re supposed to be grateful for where you are in life and how far you’ve come, but when you know you’re supposed to be doing more than just sitting in a cube crunching numbers, sitting at that desk is hard. 2. Momma ain’t raise no quitter Ya know, my Mom would be so disappointed if I said “Ma, I’m just going to stay”, because she is the reason I know I can accomplish whatever is on my heart. I’ve seen her hit rock bottom and flourish back into superwoman x2. She is my motivation to dream big and believe in my ability to change the way black women look at one another. Because of her I know I am more than able to go back and let my light shine, it just might burn somebodies edges. 3. Fighting for my right to inspire, and change lives We need each other. WE NEED EACH OTHER. There’s no other way I can put it. Us, women of color are in a state of emergency and have been for a long time. We need to hear each other, to take up for one another and help each other up when we may not feel like getting up after a hard ass fall. Someone to cheer us on when we don’t think we can dust ourselves off and try again. (Thanks Aaliyah) Life is hard, and I want to celebrate the big victories as well as the small victories with those who aren’t afraid to just be exactly who they are in every raw moment. 4. Cus’ I know I’m MAGIC I get it all the time. There’s a glow, or a light beaming from inside my 5’3 frame. That glow, and that light ain’t supposed to be compressed. My name is gold, as all of ours are and I’m going to make sure everyone knows it. I’m going to sprinkle this BLACK GIRL PIXIE DUST with whomever I come in contact with. No more holding back, no more hiding, no more running from my purpose because lets face it, I’ll forever be running from something that’s instilled in me and A’INT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! Our purpose is scary but it feels so good. I often laugh and be like I don’t know how you’re going to do this but I also know I didn’t write the blueprint. it’s up to us to take control, be proactive and turn our wheels in the right direction. They can’t confine us, they can’t tame us, and they can’t hold us. So girl, I’m going! I’m running straight to my purpose. Are you?
I read something the other day and it said, “Sleep doesn’t help if it’s your soul that’s tired” And it triggered so many conversations, ideas and provisions. I had to learn the “Art of Letting Go”, and talk about a process! I was in this box built with bricks of validation, depression, self-neglect and feeling the need to be involved with everything around me to make sure I stayed “seen”. Once you get tired (and I mean I was tired mentally, and it was taking a toll of my physical well-being) you have no choice but to pick up those dragging feet and move yourself to your peace. I had to take a look inside of myself, determine what it was I wanted out of this life God gave me, and how I was going to use the tools he gave me. Bondage and baggage had everything to do with how that box I was stuck in was built, and the only person who could tear those walls down was the one who built it. I was bound by failed relationships, situtationships, abandonment, and let’s not forget a doubtful mind that was telling me I couldn’t do the things I wanted to do. With the devil being as busy as he was, I created an insecure atmosphere. You know that video of Lauryn Hill giving a speech to youth back in 2000? It was that video that helped me get to where I am at this very moment. Watch it here. That Queen was twenty-five years old and spitting major knowledge. The twenty-five part has an insane amount of influence on me, not because I should be where she was at twenty-five, but because I had to wake up, and with me turning twenty-five this year, I had to start climbing this wall of greatness. You know, things happen when they are supposed to so here I am now, at twenty-four adjusting this crown, wearing and rocking it as I dance to the beat of my own drum. She was aware of the baggage she was carrying and confronted it. But see, I’m the girl with the U-Haul truck full of baggage. There were bags of hurt filled in that U-Haul but once you become aware, and work, those bags slowly start to disappear. I always questioned why relationships (situationships) /ideas/dealings didn’t work, and then it clicked and I chose to be still and listen (FINALLY) 1. It’s not working, because he/it isn’t for you. 2. You keep chasing what God DOESN’T have for you You CANNOT expect things out of others that you can’t even give. (Love, trust, commitment, and just a clear mind) I was in a place of knowing who I was, and what I wanted but couldn’t execute. I had to correct then execute the progress I had made because if you don’t WORK, nothing will. I was growing, but still playing the victim as if I didn’t have full control over MY LIFE. I knew the things that were holding me back so I detoxed from the toxic people that were in my life. I began having conversations with God about what he wanted me to do, because after all I am his. Everything I wanted to do was his gifts, and ideas through me! So I started basking in my Queendom and moving forward free of shackles and chains. [Tweet \”I stopped living for what people wanted me to be, what they envisioned for me and started living for who I was destined to be.\”] So to all my sistah’s, work on you because once we are whole, we\’re an untouchable force! We have the right to choose happiness, so choose it Queen.