Self Love Ain’t Easy: 3 Tips on Loving Yourself
You might also like
I’ve always found love stories mediocre. There are so many inspiring, life-altering, or terrifying topics in the world to write about. How selfish of you to choose to write about love? The one thing we can all relate to that makes us feel warm inside. I’m not interested in reading about love, so why bother writing about it? I hopped on the rollercoaster in September of 2016. Loosely tightening the straps, not even bothering to make sure it sat around my hips correctly. I’ve done this before- nothing to worry about. This was to be the ride of all rides, the one to remember, the one to write about. One thing I won’t do is romanticize pain. I refuse to. It wasn’t poetic to feel the way I felt. I was taking sips of sweet tea, only for it to leave a horrible aftertaste in my mouth. I continued going back to it. Getting the most out of the sweet before the bitter would sit in my mouth, for days or weeks until he decided to come back. There are stories about girls who meet boys, and sometimes these boys look at these girls like they’re made of gold, ‘oh if only I were so lucky.’ And they worship these girls, the ones they think they could never have. This was a first for me, being the unattainable girl. I’ve never been much to look at. The one girl the guy chooses. He pulled me out of the crowd and I was his dream girl. When I was 14, I was cleaning my room when I found a suede, studded cross-body bag lying on the floor. I picked it up, dusted it off and placed it back on the shelf. I remembered how just a few months prior I was daydreaming about this bag. All of the cute outfits, the lipgloss and compact it would carry, how beautiful it would look hanging with the rest of my, now seemingly dull, bags. I begged my mom for this bag. I worked tirelessly; cleaning the bathroom every weekend, helping her with dishes, skipping movies with my friends. She finally surprised me with it and I was ecstatic; now here it is, along with the rest of my crap. So you get it. the ‘dream girl’ turns into the bag on the floor, the one I totally forgot about but at some point felt my life would be incomplete without it. The problem with this are the remnants. Of course my mom knew I’d probably get over the bag once I got it, but she didn’t mind having some help around the house. It makes no difference to the bag, which lacks emotion whether it’s under my bed or behind a glass casing. The sweet tea boy who looked at me like I was made of stars would eventually toss me aside. I was no longer a quest in his unfulfilling life where he uses women as pawns to validate his existence. I was the pretty girl on his instagram feed, the one his boys would say ‘she’s bad, how would you ever get her?’ And now I’m calling him for the second time because he forgot to call me back. The crazy thing, is from afar you might think ‘well that could never be me, chasing after some musty guy’ but he wasn’t always. And it wasn’t always. Believe me, there was a time I was scrolling past his notifications and forgetting to answer because after all, I am made of stars. It wasn’t until I placed my light in his hands and now I forget how to shine on my own. I’m constantly retreating to get some of that light back, but hoping it won’t leave the bad taste in my mouth. it’s been two years and I still taste it. Am I asking for too much? For a guy to see me as his dream girl and just never wake up? Can I stay the girl of his dreams even when he’s awake? Yes, I’m the girl of my own dreams and this is one theme park I never should have stepped foot in. But now I’m here, and the thrill of falling is the reason I got into this mess in the first place.
“Embracing the seeds of pain rooted in being black, and woman connects us to our divine nature of wholeness not just within ourselves but in the world around us.” We have all experienced feeling powerless in our lives. As women of color this experience is coupled with the complex shame of being black. It isn’t until we embrace this shame that feelings of invisibility can transform into a beautiful sense of knowing. Knowing in our bodies that we are enough. That our pain is simply a pathway to discover the wholeness within our being. In my early twenties, I rediscovered the power of writing. At the time, I was searching for space to express my becoming. Transforming from a girl of color, to a woman of color and how this impacted my everyday reality. Little did I know at the time that these painful experiences along my journey would become lessons in letting go and finding joy in the everyday unfolding of life. I began to write a lot of poetry that discussed blackness, how this relates to the beauty of nature, and our relationship to spirit. A lot of these writings dealt with the reality of being black and how blackness is defined in society. I began to think about what it meant to be present in my body as a woman of color. How I would feel if I let go of every societal imposed limitation of never being enough. I always imagined that wholeness in a brown body was some conjured fantasy image on movie screens. There was always an underlying belief that, “someone like me can’t transform” or that “the only way that change is possible is by destroying parts of myself that I so desperately wanted to hide”. Admitting to myself that I didn’t feel love within my own skin was a painful yet beautiful journey that is still unfolding. Apart of this unfolding requires a deep surrender to our emotions as they reveal themselves to us. It is important to be there with whatever we are experiencing, be it shame, guilt, sadness, regret, tension, happiness, etc. In trying to deny or reject the hidden parts of ourselves, we only drift farther into feelings of shame. As such, we deny ourselves of our complex and beautiful nature. Through writing, I was able to work through feelings of shame that I carried with me throughout my life. The feelings of shame and guilt that I felt throughout my life challenged me to let go of the fear I felt about examining my blackness. I was so deeply afraid of falling in love with myself as a woman of color because it wasn’t what I saw around me. As women of color, so much of what we internalize influences who we are. There are so many stereotypes and labels that can limit the world from seeing the truth of our existence. If we embrace our power, we are seen as the aggressive black woman, if we are vulnerable then we are seen as weak and sacrificial. But, we have the power to re-claim our own existence by embracing the wholeness that rests within. Apart of accepting the many layers of who we are as black women is embracing all of the pain and fear that arises within us. When I first began to embrace my fear, it was very difficult. I felt so much anxiety about how others would stare at me. This was followed by a stream of worried thoughts, “is it because my hair is too big?”, “is it because I am black?”. Despite this anxiety filled monologue there was something inside of me that so desperately wanted to be heard, some soul force waiting to emerge from the depths of my heart. A wise woman, standing firmly rooted in her skin. She was there all along, whole, content, and beautiful. It wasn’t until I started tuning into my body that everything changed. I started asking myself, “how does my body react when I am in public?” Often, my shoulders were tense and I felt the stress of others stares lead me down a path of insecure thoughts. In turning in towards my body I learned to accept the present emotions and greet them with an open heart of acceptance. Simply being with them in observance and allowing them to pass. When I began to become more present with my body and process the emotions of shame that I felt within myself, I let go of fear and surrendered to my existence. I began to notice how suddenly my shoulders were more relaxed in public. There was more space for me to relax and become familiar with what it felt like to be present in my body as a woman of color. It felt amazing, I felt called to inspire other women of color to feel whole and content within their own skin. Something that I have learned is that along with such moments of peace, becoming, and feeling inspired, there are still moments of fear, chaos, pain and uncontrollable tears. The journey does not end with the awareness of being whole within our bodies, that is only the beginning. The understanding that we can heal and are healing, and the feeling of being rooted firmly in our existence is the path. That we are the embodiment of what it means to love ourselves as black women Is the unfolding of truth, of who we are. In sitting with ourselves, there are some practical tools we can rely on to discover the beautiful blooming of our hearts. One of the tools that has helped me is to sit down in a quiet space with a pen and paper and ask myself, what are some everyday activities that light my soul up with joy? What is one small action that I can take today to live my truth? The answers to these questions reveal someone far more powerful than you can ever imagine. Another way …
The journey inward to find out what you are made of is a dance of a lifetime. My personal declaration of freedom, which is one of my core values, was to divorce myself from “why” and “how.” Both of these left me in an emotional loop and instead I learned to surrender often. I surrender my will and my EGO often. 2017 was a year of endings. There were many things on the table for me to review. What kind of work did I really want to do? What experiences did I really want to have and what will be my legacy? Introspection is the pathway to the most glorious expedition and there is the journey to Self! Here are just a few ways I took the deep dive in. Stop comparing yourself to other people I was raised very Judeo-Christian and Black Middle Class. In this specific culture of African Americans I never really felt like I fit in. Therefore, the norms, values, and beliefs did not necessarily fall in line with mine. I did not marry in my twenties and gain an advanced degree, as is the expected path, and teaching was a respectable profession but it did not fulfill me entirely. I have a huge wanderlust to explore far off places, mysteries, and cultures. Once I identified my core values, I saw I was aspiring towards a life that would never make me happy. I pondered what my core values were and this was liberating! I could pursue my passions without guilt or feeling like I was a disappointment. This is not a dig on anyone who has a deep desire for scholarly pursuits, desires companionship and ambition. Be clear on what success looks like for you. Ask the universe or God an empowering question: What is your will for my life? Who do I need to become? What makes me happy? I found that what my path looked like was completely my own and trying to fit into any one mode or comparing myself was counterintuitive. Peace and joy are my guiding lights! Find a Cause Bigger and that is Bigger than Yourself Healing and transformation can be realized through helping other people. If you desire love, abundance, or compassion, giving back to your community will heal your heart, provide perspective or help when you’ve hit a wall. I have found that making donations, spending time with girls and participating in efforts such as, addressing sex trafficking or blending poetry with activism, helped me redirect my passion and indignation towards the injustices in the world. I deeply value youth and elders. I started a program for girls that led me to my own healing I needed in those difficult teenage years. I asked God where to tithe my time and ended up finding my truest calling. Love is the most powerful force in the universe we must show and receive it. Say “NO”! We are social creatures. “Love and Belonging” are high on the hierarchy of needs. However, in order to receive that love and community, we say “yes” to things that we really don’t want to do. We may agree to participate in relationships and organization that are not in alignment with our values. It is critical for us to create healthy boundaries and be clear on our values and what direction we want our lives to go. In doing so “No” has become a single worded, mono-syllable power stance! “No” may cause separation and be upsetting to others, especially if you are always saying “yes”. Resentment and passive-aggressive behavior are perilous to our well being. Saying “no” allows others to strengthen their creativity and their access to God. It is not our job to save people or be viewed as a “good person” or “nice.” Being a people pleaser doesn’t guarantee a person will like you, much less love you! Saying “No” especially when it doesn’t feel genuine or aligned, allows you to say a sacred “YES.” “No” has a power that is unexplainably liberating. My final thoughts and points are this, none of the above steps are the sum total of my journey, rather a few lessons I’ve learned along the way. Contrast has presented me with opportunities to dig deeper for my truth and the boldness and convictions to follow through on my declarations. Life will present you with a mirror for reflection. Faith is like a good therapist and is vital to my spiritual health. Our journey to self has its own unique blueprint. Asking our Higher Self, that which is connected to God becomes our North Star to guide us home. Ber-Henda Williams lives in metro Detroit. She is a Bilingual Poet and Business Coach for women + creatives and visionaries. To connect with Ber-Henda, log on www.ber-hendawilliams.com